You’ve got 24 hours to prove you are the most romantic person on Earth. No pressure then, says Kayleigh Bell
Love and sex therapist Dr Laura Berman thinks Valentine’s Day is the New Year’s Eve of relationships. Apparently it’s a time to renew commitment and reignite passion.
Dr B has unwittingly hit the nail right on the head. If any of you are familiar with my New Year’s Eve Survival Guide for YorkMix then you will already have an idea of my feelings about enforced fun.
Dear readers, enforced romance is no better, and therefore I whole heartedly concur that Valentine’s is the NYE of relationships.
A day dedicated to insincere public displays of affection, over-priced dinner dates, and forced intimacy. I’m here to tell you there is another way!
Like a wise and obnoxious agony aunt YorkMix is always at hand to help you through these difficult times.
Here are a few rules to help you survive Valentine’s Day without a mental breakdown, wounded pride or angry spouse.
Rule 1 – Don’t eat out
All of York’s culinary establishments from Roots to Nandos will be bursting at the seams with star-crossed lovers.
Fellow diners will mainly consist of nervous, swooning new couples or life-partners eating their meal in silence with a side serving of resentment.
Obviously nothing is more romantic than paying twice the usual price for a rushed meal in a busy restaurant, but it seems like maybe all this dining, chocolate and wine is slightly at odds with the expectation that a night of passion is to follow.
Seriously, who feels sexy after a four course meal?! Going out for dinner on Valentine’s Day is probably the most obvious and unimaginative way ever to show someone you love them. Just saying.
Rule 2- Log out of all social media
Every social media newsfeed will transform into an endless stream of flowers and kissy-face selfies punctuated with “hilarious” memes about being single on Valentine’s Day.
Avoiding social media entirely is the only way to save yourself from a Show and Tell of bouquets, lingerie and chocolate hearts complete with captions such as “OMG look at ma pressies! Best V Day eva! My bf is sooooo amazing. Love ya bbz”.
Rule 3 – Don’t go to a bar
A logical and reasonable solution to rectifying PDA induced nausea is to get very drunk.
Although you’ll find no objections here to using alcohol to celebrate or commiserate the current state of your love life, the key factor though is to do the drinking at home.
You can taste the desperation in the air upon entering a bar on Valentine’s Day.
The only things to be found there are unwanted advances, cheesy chat-up lines and depressed strangers trying to get off with one another. It’s best to avoid drinking establishments at all costs.
Unless, of course, you are quite partial to a one night stand, in which case Valentine’s Day is probably the best opportunity of the year. Go knock yourself out!
Rule 4 – Choose gifts carefully
Never use a 20 Things Every Woman / Man Wants For Valentine’s Day list as inspiration for gift ideas.
If you genuinely believe there is nothing your partner wants more than an edible thong, mass produced teddy bear or personalised love coupons then you deserve nothing more than to drown in bath full of chocolate body paint.
Singles, you do not need a Valentine’s Day Survival Kit or a gallon of ice cream or a vat of wine.
February 14th is just 24 hours, being single or in a relationship during those 24 hours is the same as it is any other day.
Don’t crumble under the pressure of the candy-toting retailers! Our bank balances are just about recovering from the financial devastation of Christmas godammit!
Rule 5 – Don’t propose
You will forever be known as an unimaginative, living, breathing cliché. Even if they say “yes” your partner will secretly resent you for your lack of creativity until death do us part.
This rule also applies to declaring your undying love to the object of your affections.
Picking Valentine’s Day to confess your feeling or propose marriage will only result in your beloved realising you are unoriginal, cheesy cringeball and losing all respect for you.
Rule 6 – DO NOT CALL YOUR EX
This also includes texting, emailing, Snapchat, Facebook, and Whatsapp.
Don’t like their Instagram pictures as you weep over how beautiful they look with a Valencia filter, and don’t post “cryptic” tweets (particularly song lyrics) about lost love.
If you want to greet February 15th with even an iota of self-respect still intact then STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.