Miles On Monday
The weekly thoughts of York writer Miles Salter
This week, with Valentine’s Day hovering like an angel of death on the horizon, I would like to dispense some advice to my fellow men. As a man who is universally adored by women from such diverse places as Acomb and Heworth (or perhaps just Heworth, and maybe only one woman), it’s only fair that I share my top tips on romantic charm.
Follow these suggestions, chaps, and your attempts at romance will no doubt be wildly successful.
If, however, you ignore my advice, you may find yourself lonely on February 14th. In which case, give me a call, and we’ll go for a pint.
So here, in order of importance, are my top tips for romantic success…
Make them laugh
Yes, women love a sense of humour. So do something amusing on February 14th.
Humour rarely fails to impress a lady. As I can testify. When I went out with a friend of mine some years ago, we hit the nightclubs of York for a couple of lemonades.
Spotting a femme who seemed friendly and fun, I wandered over. Within minutes she was roaring with laughter. When I spoke to my friend a short time later, he said “Great work, Miles, what did you say?”
I sighed into my drink and replied: “I asked her to dance.”
Dress to impress
As ZZ Top once reminded us, the girls go crazy for a sharp dressed man. I’m rarely seen outside my house without my ripped jeans, Hi-Tec trainers and a very trendy American baseball jacket.
This gear was all the rage in 1984, and I have no reason to believe that it has fallen out of fashion.
This approach really works. Instantly, you send out signals that say to the woman you are approaching, “Look at me. I am a true style icon.”
If women don’t appreciate the jeans / trainers / baseball jacket, it only shows that they are not keeping up with the world of fashion.
Splash the cash
Don’t be a meanie when it comes to romance! Miserly attitudes will mean less lurve, believe me!
In 1987 I took a girl on an expensive date to Wimpy. The meal cost me £6.77, which, at the time, was a vast sum.
But she was not impressed when I said she couldn’t have a cheeseburger as it represented an additional 37p in expenditure.
The evening ended in a slurp of coke. My date wasn’t keen on taking things further.
I went back to the Wimpy restaurant to ask for a refund, but they said love wasn’t on the menu. Would I like some fries?
I learnt my lesson, and several years later, when I my earnings had improved, and I was feeling lonesome, I stumbled across a lovely girl called Candy, in the King’s Cross area of London.
Candy asked me if I’d like to go for a meal. Overcome by the amorous way she nibbled my ear, I agreed, and we went to a local restaurant where, recalling the cheeseburger incident, I was extravagantly generous.
When the bill arrived, Candy assured me it came to just under a hundred pounds, which seemed a lot for two curries and a couple of pints.
But, knowing that the romantic evening ahead lay in the balance, I emptied my wallet and placed the cash on the table.
“Your place or mine?” I said. Candy winked elaborately.
I went to the loo, and within minutes I returned. Candy had gone. She must have been overwhelmed by my presence, I concluded.
Show you are a man of the world
It’s important to relax in the presence of women. They like a chap who is expansive, good natured, and can tell a yarn or two.
Take me, for example. Although I’m not big on live music or meals out, I have been a committed train spotter for many years.
I like to take my lucky dates to the National Railway Museum and show them the working replica of The Rocket.
Once I have their interest, I go on to share stories from my travels on some of the world’s more exotic railways, including the Orient Express and the North Yorkshire railway.
As they say on the television, what’s not to like?
Alcohol can help, cheers!
Sometimes I go wild. The other week I had two glasses of wine with my beans on toast.
A bit of lubricant can do wonders for an amorous evening, I have discovered. There was the time when I asked a nurse I knew, Lorraine, to come over to my place for some supper and perhaps some light music.
Knowing that Lorraine liked cocktails, I purchased vodka, schapps, orange juice etc and mixed it all together. I had a large drink or two and soon the occasion was going swimmingly.
“Take it easy,” Lorraine said, who was due at the hospital for a night shift later in the evening.
“Don’t worry about me,” I said, quaffing more home made cocktail.
It was about ten o’clock when I passed out, and woke up in York Hospital. I was in bed, and Lorraine was at my side.
The intimacy of the occasion was slightly spoilt by the older man who was coughing and complaining about his catheter, but the look on Lorraine’s face said it all.
“It’s been a memorable evening,” she muttered, as I complained about my head. She was right.
“Let’s do it again, soon,” I said. She muttered something about romance not being dead, and I had to agree.
So there you have it, boys. There is no need for roses, cards and chocolates. All you need are these five invaluable suggestions. You will be fighting the ladies off. Enjoy!
- Miles Salter is a writer based in York
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